[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
They’re called werewolves.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich