Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Safety first