Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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Well, shit
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
got so much cardio in today
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.