Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]