@KimmyMonte

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

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@Holy_Mowgli

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

@TheFirstDudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@ElgatoEsmio

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

@LarrysTwin99

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

@DairylandDon

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

@Jod1e1992

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

@FredTaming

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

@david8hughes

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it