every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
It was worth a shot 😂
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!