every raccoon you see is currently on parole

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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.


Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?


When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?


Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.


I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.


Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.


Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.


doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great


[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it