Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
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Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
lumberjacks will cut a birch
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”