Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.