Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
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I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
The Birdles
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’