[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
You Might Also Like
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Not all heroes wear capes….
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.