EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.