Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
pizza
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.