Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
You Might Also Like
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
R.I.P.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER