Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

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My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.


Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.


[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*


I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda


Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.


We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji


I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.


*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true


I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.