Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
ok like just. call me at this point