every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
grotesque if literal: baby food
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.