@Try2StopME

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

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@pauleggleston

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

@joeldanger

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

@AmishSuperModel

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

@continentlbkfst

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

@Smooheed

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

@weinerdog4life

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

@YoungNobler

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

@brotticelli

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

@Tbone7219

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

@OakHill_

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

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