@TheBoydP Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
@Try2StopME Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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@TheBoydP 
@MrsTomServo “Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
@deardilettante I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
@GrantTanaka *sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
@DairylandDon October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
@SexytotheNorth [First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
@DrunjAF *goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
@SuperRandomish [Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
@yungfedora *hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
@Tbone7219 There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.