Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road


I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.


Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.


kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*


My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail


I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”


Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate


when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters


I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.


If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo