@Try2StopME

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

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@TheBoydP

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

@MrsTomServo

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@DairylandDon

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

@SexytotheNorth

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

@DrunjAF

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@SuperRandomish

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

@yungfedora

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*