Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
You Might Also Like
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee