Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
fourth time’s the charm
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW