Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’