every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.