every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.