every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
crochet youtube is brutal
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are