Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

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I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’


Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail


As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu


Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?


1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.


Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.


I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!


Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.


She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….


“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”