Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
nyc:
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.