Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Dolls on drugs
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.