Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
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Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
All. The. Damn. Time.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana