Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.


Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.


I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any


I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.


Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..


Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.


I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.


Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree


You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.