Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My Plans 2020
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever