Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
You Might Also Like
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.