@KayRants

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

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@GeorgePointon_

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

@tastefactory

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

@brokemycoccyx

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

@MacAnnabella

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

@Renanumber5

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

@LloBrow

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

@Smooheed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

@kevinrowe1

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”