Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter