Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanksgiving should be called feaster

#MeanwhileinCanada

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what