Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
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Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both