Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?