Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
You Might Also Like
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
quarantine day 3
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long