Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I would like even faster food.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.