@CandaceAmos

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

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@PSimp114

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

@jkrambles

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

@YoungNobler

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

@trevso_electric

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@brandonIee

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

@Reverend_Scott

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

@CornOnTheGoblin

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

@FunnyBison

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.