Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
What the hell is going on?