Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

You Might Also Like


[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.



It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.


Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.


The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.


If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you


I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.


I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko


[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]


“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it


10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.