Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.