Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically