@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

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@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

@rusty_coach

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

@chicnlil1

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

@FredTaming

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

@LlamaInaTux

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

@JermHimselfish

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.