Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
You Might Also Like
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”