Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.


Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.


Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.


Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts


Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…


[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes


Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys


“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”


In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.