Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Banking tips
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935