Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*