Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*mops up wine with cat*
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!