Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)