Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Every work call, he judges.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.