Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Story of my life…..
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.