Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
What if all the cashiers are married?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.