Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”