every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir