every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
me: Are you crying?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
COP: any drugs in the car
COP: lol nerd
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me