Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.