every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
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Optional boss fight.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*