Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Well well well…
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”