Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Mad Max: Furry Road
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
me irl
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.