Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
what the hell pray for carter everyone
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
This is my pinned tweet
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: