Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you