Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
❤️🦆
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home